Monday, June 27, 2011

You May Say I'm a Thinker

Someone once told me I am a philosopher and even today I wonder if that was a compliment or not. I can tell you from years of experience that the way my mind works is not always a blessing, sometimes I actually think it is a curse. Lately I have found myself thinking of my past. If you care to take a trip into my life then buckle up because it can be a slippery ride.

Well let me start with saying thank you for staying with me, I appreciate that you are interested enough to stay. 

I have had a lot of people on my mind lately, thinking of how different my life would have been without them being a part of it. Mostly thinking of how grateful I am to have had them be a part of my life, how I am the person I am today because of them.

My Grandma Nona who was my maternal grandmother. She passed away when I was just a few months old so I never knew her. My mom talks about her mom a lot, before my Grandpa Cook passed away I would just sit and listen to him and my mom talk about her. I know there are those who will disagree with my feelings but I have to say how I feel. my Grandpa Cook loved my grandma with all his heart, I heard it in his voice, I saw it in his face when he talked about her. He called my mom every single year on my grandmas birthday and they would talk about her for hours. I have learned through stories that my Grandma was a hard working woman who was full of love and life. She was one who tried to take care of everyone, and she had no problem stopping on the side of the road to pick a huge bouquet of wildflowers lol. I wonder if I am anything like her, do I have any of her qualities?

Garfield (Uncle G) was one of my dad's best friends. He was someone who also tried his best to take care of everyone, he had a heart of gold and always had a smile on his face and a laugh in his heart. I never got a chance to tell him how much I loved him or how much I appreciated the love and the many hours of lost sleep he had because of worrying about me. He always knew the right things to say to me even though sometimes it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wish my kids had been older so that they could remember him, his laughter, and how much he loved us.

Jessica my friend, my partner in crime I miss you! We had so much fun together, even though sometimes we did things that were questionable it wasn't illegal. OK most of the time it wasn't illegal. Jess has a heart of gold and one of the strongest shoulders to lean on. Trust me I used it many times. She also has opinions for hours and she says what she thinks, and I love that about her. We spent endless hours together talking, laughing, crying, and eating. Thank you, I don't think I tell you enough how much your friendship means to me.

Kris Wolf what can I say about you? You are one of a very few people who made me feel like I was important. You are such an amazing person and I miss you like crazy, I miss eating your healthy food then going on junk food raids haha. You made me think outside of the box, you pushed me to be a better me without even realizing you were doing it. You were the one person who made me feel confident that I was good at my job at the Manor, you helped me fall in love with a job that I went into hating. To think I only agreed to working there to help my sister fill staff not because I wanted to. 

My sister Gena oh how you have been on my mind lately. Gena passed away when I was a teenager. I look at my girls and think of how much they are missing out not knowing her. She was a simple person and I mean that as in she was happy with what she had, she didn't need expensive things or money to make her happy. She didn't have the easiest life but I don't think I ever heard her complain. She was just as happy sitting on the front porch of a 100yr old farm house with no running water, an outhouse, and bathing in the swimming hole as she was living in an apartment with running water, electric, and a bathtub. Now that I think about it she may have been happier at that old farmhouse, picking berries, watching the storms, and baking in a toaster oven. This is a woman who even when she was so sick and knew she didn't have much longer always tried to put on a brave face for her kids. I remember sitting on the couch with her maybe 6 months before she died and her telling me she didn't want me to forget her good days. The days where we would play in the rain, listen to radio, laughing until our ribs hurt and just having fun.

My Uncle Wayne who was one of the greatest men I have ever known. He was funny, goofy as all get out, he always had something to say or do to make someone laugh. He was just full of love for everyone he cared about. I don't think there is anything he wouldn't do to see the people he loved happy. I think the thing that sticks in my mind the most is how much he loved my Aunt Barb. He loved her more than anything in this world and you could see it in everything he did, you could see it in his face when he looked at her. I don't think I ever told him how much I loved him or thanked him for helping me have the courage to get out of a really bad situation. What I wouldn't give to have one of his hugs and be able to tell him. The shamrock I have tattooed on my hand is for him, his Bday was on St Pattys day, and now I will always have my good luck charm with me everywhere I go.

Well I think I have tortured you enough with my post so I will close this one for now. I do want to leave you with a few things to ponder on though. Make sure to tell the people you love that you love them, you can never say I love you enough and you never know when you wont have the chance again. As silly as it may seem keep a journal and make sure you describe the people in your life in great detail. I wish I had done that so that my girls could know just how amazing these people were. Over time I have lost a lot of the details that I want them to know, a smile, the way their laugh sounded, their scent when you hugged them. Later on you will long for those little details at least I know I do. Pictures, take lots of pictures. They will help capture at least some of those details that can slip away from you. You know the saying love like there is no tomorrow, laugh like no one is listening and dance like no one is watching? I can't agree with all of that saying. I think we should love like there is no tomorrow, laugh like everyone is listening, and dance like everyone is watching. I don't want to be remembered as someone who held back because of what someone might think about me.

Peace, Love, and Cupcakes 

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