Friday, November 9, 2012

Welcome to my thoughts. Buckle up!

A friend sent me this a long time ago, not sure where it was originally from.


I have been seeing alot of friends doing the daily what I am thankful for posts on Facebook. I think it is a great idea to express the things you are grateful for, and I normally do that every November too. This year I just haven't gotten into to doing it and started feeling guilty. I know it may sound silly to some that I feel guilty for not making those daily status posts. It isn't that I have nothing to be thankful for, I do, I have endless things to be thankful for.

I will be honest with everyone that reads this post. I am and have for several months been fighting with depression and anxiety issues. Some days are good days, some are bad, and then there are some that I have to force myself out of my bed, and then there are a few when I can't even do that. There are days that I get up and think today is going to be a great day to only a few hours later find myself back in that dark hole again. It is scary, it makes you feel like a failure as a mom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and person in general. It makes you hate the person that you are right then, the person who can't find the energy to even brush their hair. You feel weak, angry, lonely, isolated, and hopeless. Your mind races from thing to thing, then it gets stuck on one thing for what feels like days. You start to question every decision you make no matter how big or small the decision is. You wonder if you have offended, hurt, or angered someone with something you may have said, but you're not even sure if you've said something wrong. Right now as I am writing this I am questioning if I should be airing my dirty laundry like this. I'm tired of feeling like I am alone, like I am the only one who cares.

I know that I shouldn't let stuff get to me like it does, but I do. I am human, I have feelings, fears, and needs just like everyone else. Everyone needs to feel like they matter to someone, everyone needs to feel like they are safe and protected, everyone needs to feel like if they fall they will be helped back up.

I personally am a fixer, a caretaker, I feel like I need to fix everything and take care of everyone. I have been told more than once that I need to stop and worry about taking care of me. How do you do that? How do you stop doing the one thing that comes natural to you, the one thing you are good at? When I can't fix something that I know someone needs help with, it eats at me. Once again I feel guilty because there had to be something I could have done to make things easier for that person and I didn't do it or I could have done more. 

I find that I can't focus on things for any length of time. For example, I have been trying to write this post for over 2 hours and have gotten up to do a load of laundry, check that the door is locked, wander through the apartment aimlessly. My mind has wandered off to my sister who is sick, the last minute Thanksgiving dinner this weekend, a family friend fighting leukemia, the fact that it is now 3:24 in the morning and I have to be up in less than 3 hours to get kids off to school. My mind just wont stop, it keeps going even when I do sleep my typical 3-4 hours a night.

I have a fear of going to the doctor to ask for help. I'm afraid that if I go I'm going to be told my problems are too big for them to handle and that I have to find yet another doctor to see. I'm afraid the doctor will tell me I can't be fixed and this is how I'm going to be, miserable for the rest of my life. I am afraid that I will be told that I am indeed crazy. I'm afraid that I will be given yet another medicine that I will have a bad side effects to and have worse thoughts than I do now. (Wellbutrin and I are not friends) I am afraid that I am going to hear "There are people worse off than you are.", I have heard that so many times, and seen it plastered all over websites, facebook. I know that there are people who have worse problems than I do, but that doesn't make my problems any less important. That doesn't make me feel any better, as a matter of fact it makes me feel worse to hear/see/read it because then I feel like I am annoying someone by talking to them. Just because you may be able to handle a situation like a superhero doesn't mean I am less of a person because I can't! It isn't that I don't want to be better, hell I would love to not feel this way. 

People may read this and laugh at my ramblings, people may think I'm crazy, and some may decide to never read this blog again. So why am I putting all of this out there? Too many people hide there depression/anxiety issues like I have in fear of what others will say or how they will be treated. I am doing it because I can't be the only one that feels this way, I can't be alone in how I feel. I did it because I am tired of putting on that fake happy face all the time just for the benefit of others. I did it because I needed to not only be honest with you, but also with myself. If this post helps even one person realize they are not alone, then it was all worth it to me.

So now I have 9 days to make up for. What am I thankful for?
1. I am thankful for my daughters who may be growing up too fast, but give me reason to force myself out of bed. Who don't complain about wearing thrift store clothes, and are just as happy with dollar store stuff as they are if they had expensive things.
2. I am thankful for my parents who gave me life, love and a strong appreciation for the little things in life.
3. I am thankful for having the things that the girls and I NEED, a home, food, clothes, heat and love.
4. I am thankful for a few friends who have called, sent texts, messaged me, sent a little note when they saw I needed a pick me up or just to check on me when they know something is up with me. 
5. I am thankful for Rowan who may drive me batty at times, but she is a light in the darkness that keeps me on my toes.
6. I am thankful for the ability to cook, the ability to make something wonderful out of a little bit of nothing.
7. I am thankful for my Brousin (not a typo!) and his wife who have helped me so much in so many ways, in more ways than they even know. 
8. I am thankful for my Sparkle family who have supported me, encouraged me, advised me, and helped me help others. You ladies have no idea how amazing you really are!
9. I am thankful that I had the guts to make this blog post. I am thankful that I can use this blog as a way to help others.




Peace, Love and Cupcakes!


6 comments:

  1. Unlike you I am not a fixer but I wanted you to know I listened and will continue to as long as you keep writing.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Cozy, it means alot to me!

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  2. i've lived with panic/anxiety disorder/depression for twenty years. my heart goes out to you, Christie. I really related to your post. trust me and go through the trials of finding the right medicine for yourself. i know it's horrible trying different med's but you will find one that won't even feel like you are on something and it will help your symptoms greatly. your mind will relax and you'll be able to sleep 8 hours! no, the med's don't make us completely well but they help so much. zoloft has been my life saver. certain anti-depressants such as wellbutrin, act as a stimulant for anxiety. don't let yourself suffer more than necessary and see your doctor ♥ HUGS

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for your kind words Lynda <3 Huge hugs back to you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. You know I love you, sistah! You're one of my favorite people and I'm always just a phone call away <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love you too! You have listened to me rant/vent/cry more times than I can count. You can always make me laugh before we get off the phone, thank you for being such an amazing friend!

      Delete

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